My dad is emotionally stunted. He is also, separately, completely insulated in Mormon culture. But the two inform each other. He is not someone anyone can "connect" with, even within his insular culture, but in Mormon culture that doesn't really matter. With Mormons, the expectations and rules are clear; theoretically there are no messy feelings or unanswered questions. I myself appreciate this draw of religion and, while I'm grateful I was never the type of person who would ever get sucked into it, I am jealous of the certainty that religion brings, and (sort of) understand how my dad fell prey to it after an emotionally painful divorce. I also think religious people are crazy, foolish, and just simply wrong. So my "understanding" honestly doesn't go very far.
A few years ago, I told my dad that it upset me that he moved away from me and my sister when we were so young. He seemed surprised by my feelings, but didn't really react in one way or another. I think he was feeling regret that he didn't try harder when I was young to bring me into the Mormon religion, because then maybe, if I were Mormon like him, I wouldn't be feeling so mixed up.
It's weird that in my family I am the only one who seems upset by my dad's actions. But, I feel I am owed a sincere apology from him -- like an EPIC apology. I feel I am owed acknowledgement that his choices were selfish and that they impacted his daughters' relationships with men forever. I will never get this apology from him.
What I have been getting lately, in somewhat increased measure, are things like trivial postcards, or a hand-written letter about things like the weather. I can tell he feels some vague stirrings over not having a relationship with me and with his grandsons, one of whom is a spitting image of him when he was young. He sent us some home-grown citrus about a year ago.
Two snail-mail pieces in the last couple of months seems especially weird though. I feel he is trying to connect with me in some way. After spending years growing up with my mom berating me for not writing to him enough, and with no emotional reciprocation from him, I feel very disinclined to write him back. I'm just not sure what to do with his outreach? I feel that he knows where I stand and if he wants to rebuild things, he needs to work for it. I even admit that I like ignoring him because I feel it gives me some kind of power, or that the scales are evening and long may that continue. I appreciate that he is doing something that is making him vulnerable. Witnessing his vulnerability through unemotional handwritten notes might be the closest I ever get to him.
My mom plays a part in these feelings because she is such a sucker for needy people. Her advice (I've talked to her about it) is to use this as an opportunity to connect with him. But nobody has ever connected with him, and I do not believe real connection is possible. Right now I am trying to heal myself in the wake of more extreme relationships that need healing. Writing my dad back hoping for something seems like a bad path for me, especially right now.
Also, I love not hoping anything, not waiting to see what his move following mine will be. It's like what I talked about yesterday with loss. By not hoping anything, I feel closure. My relationship with my dad is a loss that has never been framed for me as a loss, so I have to frame it as such for myself. I think it is healthy for me to not want him "back" in my life --particularly since he isn't specifically asking for me to actually take him into my life, or acknowledging the hurt he caused, or owning his mistakes.
I wish I could be tough and just not care. Ellen doesn't seem to care at all, and other people who have been hurt by their parents have repaired these relationships even though the issues with their parents still exist. I might just be more sensitive than other people. But I also know that if I sally forth with writing back to my dad, it will open up wounds that have no business being opened again. They are scars, not wounds. It's crazy. I'm too old, and he's too late with too little to offer.
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