Open and Closed

I feel I'm kind of sloppy with being open with others vs. closing myself off to others. Sometimes, I over-share, I go too deep too fast, and I look for people willing to go to the same psychoanalytical place as me, whether it's analyzing others or revealing dark parts of ourselves.

And sometimes, I do not want to enter the outside world at all, with all my thoughts looming. I will not return phone calls or texts, I'll be "too busy" to go anywhere. I will loathe small talk with every fiber of my being if I am forced into these situations with my mind not there. I'll drink just to get through the situation.

I feel I spent my summer between these two extremes. Each extreme was the same feeling though: me carrying this giant boulder in my chest and trying to figure out what to do with it as I talked to people, talking to people reaching around it, or yelling from behind it, or just letting it block me from them entirely.

I guess this is another reason I started this blog: to regularly clear the mind so that I can more authentically experience life with other people, without my own psychology getting in the way. Like making sure to blow my nose regularly because I have allergies.

But back to the "open vs. closed" idea. I have a shaky history when it comes to choosing friends. I just don't vet them very well or think strategically before making time commitments to people. I operate in the moment and I love most everybody if I get to know them well enough. Maybe because of this, I tend to go with friends-of-friends, where I don't have to be on the hook for being a good friend. I'm quick to feel like I am a bad friend, and I'm quick to forgive and not really care about my actions when it comes to friends. But mostly, I think I keep people at kind of an arms-length and rely on my domestic relationships for the core stuff. It always feels like maybe I'm missing out on something in the world of friends, or letting people down. I think because in the end, I like being closed to everyone but the very, very, very inner circle.

I have no idea if others are like this; it seems like they aren't. I've always been.