No topic makes me feel more things at the same time than considering my relationship with Coleman as he becomes an adult. He is an adult!? I guess 18 means "adult" but when I interact with him, I see the whole journey of Coleman, from pre-birth to the person standing in front of me now. The love I have for him is an entire spectrum, it's a depth of feeling for someone else that before motherhood I never knew was possible.
(I guess as a mom I should clarify here that this post is about Coleman, but it doesn't mean I don't have the same range of complex feelings and unfathomably deep love for Coleman's brother, Aedan. Look for future blog posts about Aedan.)
Coleman has been just about the most fundamental part of my life for 18 years now, going on 19. No one else on the whole planet can claim that, not a single person. Siblings are unique in that they are there for the entire ride of your life, and I love my relationship with Ellen, but I can tell you without question that my relationship with Cole has provided me the most satisfying sense of family I have ever known. I am so proud of Coleman! And I am so, so proud to be his mother. I love him so much.
I have tried so hard with Coleman to not make mistakes my mother made with me: over-sharing her personal life, over-controling personal aspects of my life, asking me to be a stand-in father for a younger sibling when she was between relationships, imposing her skewed and naive vision of the world onto impressionable youngsters... Etcetera.
I feel I have been so lucky to have Coleman be Coleman, too. Always so calm and pure of heart, witty, creative, inquisitive, and caring for himself in admirable and respectful ways. I appreciate the way Cole treats me, and I know it is a thing to cherish. Not only did I never want to burden him with the details of what I was going through with Andy, but I wanted to shelter him. And even through this, the simple and honest ways he has given me comfort is without measure. I don't know if he realizes how important it has been for me to hear him reflect our realities with Andy, realities that no one else is willing to discuss.
It's a weird dynamic though, and in some ways maybe that is classic of a single mother and her oldest child. I think Cole wishes he had better protected me, which I have expressed at length was never his job or his burden. And something I carry with me and weighs so heavily... I wish I had better protected Cole. In this way we are sadly bonded, perhaps more deeply than a normal mother-son duo.
All of this is complicated, beautiful, so deep for me. Coleman and is my constant in the world, which I would be lost without.
I'm crying as I write this. It feels trite, so predictable, but it is very emotional for me. It's a mother's path to let go of her adult child, and it will open new chapters for both of us, which we both need and which we will love, and we can continue to share this world on a new plane of reality, and I'm excited to explore it. But, but, but... it is the end of something. And I am full of regret that I did not do a better job, that I kept an open door for Andy for so long to the harm of all of us. I regret not doing a better job preparing him for college, for the rigor of academics. I regret being greedy and distracted with my own passions.
With all those regrets, I also feel so much joy and pride. Like it was all so perfect. I couldn't have asked for two better children or any more perfect experience of motherhood. Like the feelings I've had about John in past months, getting twisted around wishing this or regretting that puts an absurd dark blanket over the very best aspects of my life. It's absurd. I mean, I hate it when people say, "I am so blessed" when we do not live in a world that actually bestows BLESSINGS, but I can say how fucking, how absolutely fucking, lucky I am. I came from a family life that was a struggle for me, and I got THIS? I'm so fucking lucky.
In this autumn time with Coleman, it's time to let the love and the lucky tears well up. He's such an awesome guy. I get to be that guy's mom for the rest of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment